Sunday, November 15, 2015

I'm just not feeling it

I have noticed something interesting about myself when it comes to opening the doors of our home. I am the first to admit that fifteen minutes before they arrived the place was a mess. I was barking orders to my kids, scrubbing our toilet, stuffing things in drawers and searching for underwear (yup, probably dirty) that pop up in the most random places. I don't mind admitting that I don't have it all together, but I have a hard time letting anyone see it. I am the same way when it comes to my emotions. If I'm really struggling I tend to pull away. Just last night I found myself tempted to postpone a scheduled visit with a few close friends because I had no desire to admit to them that I felt like I was coming apart at the seams. Praise God, I dragged myself there and they gently began the process of gluing me back together by simply listening & loving me - despite me. And then there's "grace in the midst". I love passing along thoughts, ideas and inspiration that I've learned through my trials, but I tend to be pretty silent when I'm walking through them. Especially the emotional ones. But here I am.  Welcome to my heart, dirty underwear and all. Actually, strangely enough it's the underwear that's got me down. Not just underwear, but the mess of it all. Every part of my being longs to be the mom that sits and plays with my kids for long periods of time and just soaks in these beautiful moments that are so quickly fading. But I can't figure out how to savor the moment...when I can smell the underwear (this time I'm not being literal ;)) Some days I do a great an ok job relaxing, enjoying and playing with them, but it comes at a price. The house falls apart (lately it falls apart even on the days where I'm a cleaning machine). Then there are the days that I try as hard as I can to keep things in some sort of order and my kids become the distractions, the frustrations. I know the answer comes through some sort of balance and that ultimately it's more of a spiritual issue than a physical one. But, I can't find the balance or the spiritual maturity to deal with it all well. I have no idea what to do. I'm begging God to show me. And for the moment He's silent. I get bouts of what I think is inspiration and then when I try to implement my new fangled idea it typically goes to pot. And I'm in tears - literally. I know all the cliches (that are truth), "just trust Him", "step by step", "give yourself grace", "don't sweat the small stuff", "count your blessings", "you can do anything for fifteen minutes", "pray without ceasing" etc...and I am trying to do these things. But, it is still an incredibly tough season. I suppose that is where part of the healing begins, recognizing that it is a season. But lately even that feels futile.
I don't know why I am writing this today. It scares me. I can hear people reacting with thoughts like "well, you made your own bed" or "I sure hope your DONE" or even "why don't you just send them to school?". But here's the thing, those very people, and perhaps they are a figment of my imagination, are going to have really tough days, months and seasons. And, at least they will know they are not alone. Life on this side of heaven is hard. Really hard - and we are all in it together. And one day, as believers, we will be rejoicing with our Father eternally. There won't be days when he feels silent, or work that feels overwhelming or even fear of what people think. There will be love. Light. Peace. Laughter. Dancing. And I know that He offers these very things on this side too, but today - I'm just not feeling it.

My husbands responses...
To this: "I dragged myself there and they gently began the process of gluing me back together by simply listening & loving me - despite me."
He said "called it!" and I said "Shut up."
(I'm still working on speaking respectfully, K?) ;)

To this: "And I know that He offers these very things on this side too, but today - I'm just not feeling it."
He said "At least your not as bad as that guy in Psalm 88" (look it up, you know you want too...its just a click away)