Elephants

     I am an open book.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  You can see right through me.  Three phrases that many of you might think describe me.  Well, yes and no.  It is true that I am more open than many and that I often talk about the elephant in the room, but there is an elephant in my heart that I casually mention here and there, but not even I knew how big he was until recently.  His name is Pride.  I have been praying that God would take him out of my heart because there is not room for him, but let me just tell you - if you have been warned not to pray for patience, then I beg you - don't offer up your pride to God.  He will take it.  I am joking, of course, about not bringing your pride before God - but not about the cost of doing so.
     About two weeks ago I noticed that Pride had moved into my heart, and I'm not talking about the good kind.  Now, he (Pride) had lived there for a VERY VERY long time, but I just never really noticed him.  Eventually I realized he was there, but I had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA how big he was.  Then, I started praying that God would take him from me - and Oh my word, has he ever.  My pet elephant still lives in my heart, but every day he is shrinking - and I hate it.  He is a lot like those little bath toys that start out teeny tiny and when you put them into water almost immediately puff up.  I keep thinking - there that oughta do it, bye-bye my elephant friend - and then WHAM something else happens and he's huge again.  I don't know that he will ever go away.  I am honestly scared to keep praying that he will.
     A friend recently pointed out that I joke about having 3 kids 3 and under and 3 small businesses, when in her opinion balancing so much leaves me quite frazzled.  She is right.  I can't do it any more.  I have spread myself so thin emotionally that the things I care about the most, my husband and my children, (not to mention my friends and extended family) are often left scraping the bottom of the jar.  She and I actually disagree on what I need to let go of, but she is absolutely, positively right - somethings gotta give.
     I went to Bangor last night for a Jockey party.  I had a wonderful time in a room full of women I had never met.  It was so much fun sharing the things I love with them.  I love Jockey clothes and I love having the opportunity to mention things that inspire my heart (I'm not referring to the clothes) with women who might need a little bit of encouragement.  About half way home from the Jockey party my soul started to cry - I can't do all of this any more.  I'm wiped.  As I pondered that fact - and yes, it is a fact,  I realized that fear and pride (surprise, surprise) are two of the things that are holding me back.  I have my fist tightly clenched around everything I do. God is trying to pry my fingers open. I don't want to let go.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt He has so much more to offer than what I am clinging too - but at times I don't care.  I don't want to admit that I can't do it.  I don't want to admit failure in yet another area.  My pride is killing me.  Can I really tell people that many if not most of my entrepreneurial ideas I never even ran by God in the first place? Well, here I am to do just that. I want God to take my elephant(s) and hate to admit it, but I'm afraid that pride and busy-ness is only just the beginning.
     Here I am Lord.  Take me.