Skip to main content

Elephants

     I am an open book.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  You can see right through me.  Three phrases that many of you might think describe me.  Well, yes and no.  It is true that I am more open than many and that I often talk about the elephant in the room, but there is an elephant in my heart that I casually mention here and there, but not even I knew how big he was until recently.  His name is Pride.  I have been praying that God would take him out of my heart because there is not room for him, but let me just tell you - if you have been warned not to pray for patience, then I beg you - don't offer up your pride to God.  He will take it.  I am joking, of course, about not bringing your pride before God - but not about the cost of doing so.
     About two weeks ago I noticed that Pride had moved into my heart, and I'm not talking about the good kind.  Now, he (Pride) had lived there for a VERY VERY long time, but I just never really noticed him.  Eventually I realized he was there, but I had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA how big he was.  Then, I started praying that God would take him from me - and Oh my word, has he ever.  My pet elephant still lives in my heart, but every day he is shrinking - and I hate it.  He is a lot like those little bath toys that start out teeny tiny and when you put them into water almost immediately puff up.  I keep thinking - there that oughta do it, bye-bye my elephant friend - and then WHAM something else happens and he's huge again.  I don't know that he will ever go away.  I am honestly scared to keep praying that he will.
     A friend recently pointed out that I joke about having 3 kids 3 and under and 3 small businesses, when in her opinion balancing so much leaves me quite frazzled.  She is right.  I can't do it any more.  I have spread myself so thin emotionally that the things I care about the most, my husband and my children, (not to mention my friends and extended family) are often left scraping the bottom of the jar.  She and I actually disagree on what I need to let go of, but she is absolutely, positively right - somethings gotta give.
     I went to Bangor last night for a Jockey party.  I had a wonderful time in a room full of women I had never met.  It was so much fun sharing the things I love with them.  I love Jockey clothes and I love having the opportunity to mention things that inspire my heart (I'm not referring to the clothes) with women who might need a little bit of encouragement.  About half way home from the Jockey party my soul started to cry - I can't do all of this any more.  I'm wiped.  As I pondered that fact - and yes, it is a fact,  I realized that fear and pride (surprise, surprise) are two of the things that are holding me back.  I have my fist tightly clenched around everything I do. God is trying to pry my fingers open. I don't want to let go.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt He has so much more to offer than what I am clinging too - but at times I don't care.  I don't want to admit that I can't do it.  I don't want to admit failure in yet another area.  My pride is killing me.  Can I really tell people that many if not most of my entrepreneurial ideas I never even ran by God in the first place? Well, here I am to do just that. I want God to take my elephant(s) and hate to admit it, but I'm afraid that pride and busy-ness is only just the beginning.
     Here I am Lord.  Take me.

Comments

  1. Whoa!!!!! Things are looking really beautiful!!
    What dynamic view are you using?

    Oh.. back to the post.

    I am so very proud of you.
    I am praying for you.
    I hate that mornings are so busy now that we haven't connected in weeks. :(

    Love you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. oh... and I answered my own dynamic view question. :)

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Wienerfest

We didn't make it to church this Sunday. Its a family tradition. The Maine Wienerfest - we landed there accidentally 5 or 6 years ago and fell in love with the hundreds of dachshunds competing. The costume contest has always been our favorite, I mean who can resist a puppy princess - definitely not Avonlea (our six year old daughter).  But this year, the race got my vote, hands down. Those precious doxens racing to the finish line. Their owners, treats in hand, calling out  to their beloved pets, hoping they will run straight to them.  The ginormous grins, giggles and cheering - all brought on by the pups' confusion as to which way to go. No one was looking at the disoriented dogs with even a hint of frustration. Not a single person had a scowl.  Everyone delighted in their efforts. And when one of the adorable runners finally figured out which way to go and ran as fast as his little feet could carry him, we all jumped to our feet and cheered. "Way to go!" "That…

Star Wars, Frozen & Scissors

I make a grunting noise as I toss another lego into "toy jail". I step away and trip over one of the kids light sabers.  Glancing over at the breakfast crumbs (we could seriously feed a family of refugees, not that I struggle with the idea of how much we waste or anything), I feel my eyes well up and think "I could use some of 'the force' about now. Trying to determine if I should pull the kids from their happy game of Zingo or tackle the breakfast fiasco on my own, I decide on the latter. What was my dear friend's quote, I ponder. Oh yeah, "a little and often". She was referring to home maintenance (along with other things). Gently, she was reminding me to stay on top of things rather than let them build into tougher jobs. "This isn't a little and often", I sarcastically mumble "this is 'a lot and always'." Seriously, if I'd simply pray every time I pick something off the floor, I might actually get a gras…

I'm just not feeling it

I have noticed something interesting about myself when it comes to opening the doors of our home. I am the first to admit that fifteen minutes before our guests arrived the place was a mess. I was barking orders to my kids, scrubbing our toilet, stuffing things in drawers and searching for underwear (yup, probably dirty) that pop up in the most random places. I don't mind admitting that I don't have it all together, but I have a hard time letting anyone see it. I am the same way when it comes to my emotions. If I'm really struggling I tend to pull away. Just last night I found myself tempted to postpone a scheduled visit with a few close friends because I had no desire to admit to them that I felt like I was coming apart at the seams. Praise God, I dragged myself there and they gently began the process of gluing me back together by simply listening & loving me - despite me. And then there's "grace in the midst". I love passing along thoughts, ideas a…