Struggling

      This week has been really hard for me.  I've been struggling.  Kids fighting, toys everywhere, dinners burning, bad attitudes, constant accidents (from falling down to wetting pants), miscommunications with my husband, a never-ending to do list, no "me time". Noise. Noise. Noise. I'm wiped.  I wake up early, spend time with the Lord, count blessings and think to myself - today I am going to have a positive attitude, not let things get to me, enjoy my children, train them (but not let it get to me when they don't seem to be responding), and allow God to work in me and through me no matter what happens.  At 5:00 am I think - I have this all under control and wonder - why doesn't everyone have more children?  Then they wake up.  They read books for a little while and then I head into their room - we sing, play, read the children's bible and tidy up their room.  Doesn't that sound sweet?  It is - and their are lots of great things about it...but the attitudes, fighting and clinginess (I never knew I didn't like to be touched) begins immediately. The past few days I have been asking myself, what am I doing wrong?  It really shouldn't be this hard.  I called a friend that I really respect.  I said, "THIS IS SO HARD.  Am I doing something wrong? I need to hear that I am normal. - Am I normal?"   I was driving around town aimlessly just so all 3 kids would be strapped in while we talked.  "I am doing my absolute best.  I am spending time with the Lord, I am "training my children in the way they should go", I'm "smelling the roses" and IT's STILL SO HARD."

     Right now, for example...I am getting ready to write about not taking a single second for granted, but it is 5:30 am and Blake just started crying because he had a bad dream (I usually have at least an hour of quiet if I wake up before 5:00am).  Not only did I take this second for granted, I literally just put my head in my hands in desperation...and tried not to scream.  Praise the Lord, Matt took care of it and Blake has gone back to sleep (I think).
     One thing I have really been struggling with is disobedience and attitudes despite working on it CONSTANTLY.  Then, I get frustrated with myself and my children because my attitude goes down hill quickly.  After chatting with my friend I realized (and hope I can remember and cling onto) that no matter how perfectly I train my children, no matter how consistant I am, no matter how much fun we have - we ALL (matt, the kids and I) are still in desperate need of a Savior.  We are sinners.  We  make mistakes - we  have bad attitudes.  We fight.  We struggle with jealousy, envy, bitterness and even doubt.  Even if I am a PERFECT mom (which I am far from it), my children will still mess up every single day.  If they didn't, they wouldn't be human.  Not only that, but they wouldn't need Christ.  My children are on loan from the Lord.  He has given them to me for a season to enjoy them, train them and EVEN MORE IMPORTANTLY - to lead them to their SAVIOR.  Father God, thank you for your sacrifice.  Thank you that you cover a multitude of sins.  Thank you that you "so loved the world (including my children) that you gave your only Son that we may have EVERLASTING LIFE."  You give many wonderful blessings on this side of heaven, but life is hard.  You give us so much in this life, but also promise us so much more.  Thank You!

   Now, what do the three angels above have to do with anything?  Well these three angels are worshipping at our Fathers throne at this very minute.  They don't have bad attitudes.  They don't fight. They are perfect.  They could not be happier.  But their mommy's house is silent (or at least it was for a season).  I read the story of their car "accident" at the end of a long, hard day.  I bawled my eyes out.  This life is so fleeting.  My three incredible blessings will not be here forever.  So I pray with all of my heart in desperation that I will not take one second for granted.  I KNOW it is going to be hard.  But it is also WONDERFUL.  I know I am going to mess up, but I have CHRIST.  I know that Blake, Cole and Avonlea are going to mess up (probably in the next 10 minutes) but I have the amazing and wonderful opportunity to lead them to the arms of what they need more than anything else - Jesus Christ.