Skip to main content

Fear & trust

I ended my last post with the following paragraph - 
"I am really thankful that I am starting to recognize that choosing stress and worry is like kicking God of His throne.  I hope and pray that each time I find myself heading in that direction, I will say - not my will but yours be done.  Please, Lord - stay on the throne of my life.  I KNOW you'll do a much better job than I could ever do!"

And yet tonight - I am having a hard time trusting Him.  I'm, well - scared.  A week from today I'm having my right hip replaced.  I'm not sure exactly what the source of my fear is...I think it mostly has to do with being away from my four children for more than a week.  They have never been away from me for more than 2 days.  

Who's going to tickle Cole's neck, back & legs (in that order) as he makes his way up the stairs to his loft bed at nap time?  What will Avonlea think when I just disappear (I've tried to explain it to her, but she's only two).  Will I be able to make it through the whole thing without losing the ability to nurse our five month old?  Blake is SO CLOSE to reading...what if I miss the moment it all clicks?  

What if I feel like jogging after the surgery - they say I can't.  What if the kids act up more than usual while I'm gone?  What if I never wake up?  Can I sit in a bean bag (I heard something about not being able to sit in low positions). ? How long will it take to get back into our daily routine - which I've finally figured out how to enjoy (most days)?  What will my house look like when I get home?  What if one of the babysitters has to cancel?  What if my kids get sick?  What if I get sick? How long will it take us to pay the deductible?

Is this pain really going to go away?  Will I feel like an old lady? Can I dance? 

The questions linger...and I'm tempted to stay in this place.  But, for this moment - I'm going to choose a different path.

Join me?

Father God,
I am so thankful for all that you give me.  Thank you for saving my life all those years ago when I took a nose dive off a twenty foot cliff.  Thank you for allowing me to carry children.  You are a life giver.  Help me trust you with mine.  You are here with me this very moment and won't leave me (or my children) as we go through this challenging time.  Thank you for the wonderfully supportive friends and family you surround me with.  Please, Lord - help me focus on what you give and not what might be taken away.  May I rest in you tonight Father.  May the person reading this who is struggling with their own difficult circumstance, feel Your presence this very moment.  My they (we) know beyond a shadow of a doubt - that you are there.  You are loving.  You are faithful.  You never EVER give up on us - and you'll never leave us or forsake us.  May they (we) never take a single moment for granted, but learn to see You and all that you give.  I love you, Lord - help me to love you more.  Amen.


Popular posts from this blog

I'm just not feeling it

I have noticed something interesting about myself when it comes to opening the doors of our home. I am the first to admit that fifteen minutes before our guests arrived the place was a mess. I was barking orders to my kids, scrubbing our toilet, stuffing things in drawers and searching for underwear (yup, probably dirty) that pop up in the most random places. I don't mind admitting that I don't have it all together, but I have a hard time letting anyone see it. I am the same way when it comes to my emotions. If I'm really struggling I tend to pull away. Just last night I found myself tempted to postpone a scheduled visit with a few close friends because I had no desire to admit to them that I felt like I was coming apart at the seams. Praise God, I dragged myself there and they gently began the process of gluing me back together by simply listening & loving me - despite me. And then there's "grace in the midst". I love passing along thoughts, ideas an

Star Wars, Frozen & Scissors

      I make a grunting noise as I toss another lego into "toy jail". I step away and trip over one of the kids light sabers.  Glancing over at the breakfast crumbs (we could seriously feed a family of refugees , not that I struggle with the idea of how much we waste or anything), I feel my eyes well up and think "I could use some of 'the force' about now. Trying to determine if I should pull the kids from their happy game of Zingo or tackle the breakfast fiasco on my own, I decide on the latter. What was my dear friend's quote, I ponder. Oh yeah, "a little and often". She was referring to home maintenance (along with other things). Gently, she was reminding me to stay on top of things rather than let them build into tougher jobs. "This isn't a little and often", I sarcastically mumble "this is 'a lot and always'." Seriously, if I'd simply pray every time I pick something off the floor, I might actually get a gras

Why you shouldn't give to the poor

     The day had just begun and I was barely holding it together. I had a couple of young kids and getting them dressed and out the door did not go smoothly. There were diaper explosions, bad attitudes, spilled drinks and a couple of arguments with my husband. We were both exhausted. The speaker had no idea how tired and discouraged we were. The Lord had given him a heart for the poor and he was passionately pleading with his listeners for help. He was begging us to open our eyes, to reach out, to make a difference. My eyes welled up with tears and I wish I could say it was out of compassion. It wasn't. I had no idea how I was going to make it through lunch let alone reach out to anybody. I wanted to stand up and scream "can somebody help me while you are at it?!" I left feeling like a total and complete failure. A few years later and yet another difficult day I sat holding my squirming toddler and tried to hear as much as I could of a Sunday morning sermon. The pastor wa