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Fear & trust

I ended my last post with the following paragraph - 
"I am really thankful that I am starting to recognize that choosing stress and worry is like kicking God of His throne.  I hope and pray that each time I find myself heading in that direction, I will say - not my will but yours be done.  Please, Lord - stay on the throne of my life.  I KNOW you'll do a much better job than I could ever do!"

And yet tonight - I am having a hard time trusting Him.  I'm, well - scared.  A week from today I'm having my right hip replaced.  I'm not sure exactly what the source of my fear is...I think it mostly has to do with being away from my four children for more than a week.  They have never been away from me for more than 2 days.  

Who's going to tickle Cole's neck, back & legs (in that order) as he makes his way up the stairs to his loft bed at nap time?  What will Avonlea think when I just disappear (I've tried to explain it to her, but she's only two).  Will I be able to make it through the whole thing without losing the ability to nurse our five month old?  Blake is SO CLOSE to reading...what if I miss the moment it all clicks?  

What if I feel like jogging after the surgery - they say I can't.  What if the kids act up more than usual while I'm gone?  What if I never wake up?  Can I sit in a bean bag (I heard something about not being able to sit in low positions). ? How long will it take to get back into our daily routine - which I've finally figured out how to enjoy (most days)?  What will my house look like when I get home?  What if one of the babysitters has to cancel?  What if my kids get sick?  What if I get sick? How long will it take us to pay the deductible?

Is this pain really going to go away?  Will I feel like an old lady? Can I dance? 

The questions linger...and I'm tempted to stay in this place.  But, for this moment - I'm going to choose a different path.

Join me?

Father God,
I am so thankful for all that you give me.  Thank you for saving my life all those years ago when I took a nose dive off a twenty foot cliff.  Thank you for allowing me to carry children.  You are a life giver.  Help me trust you with mine.  You are here with me this very moment and won't leave me (or my children) as we go through this challenging time.  Thank you for the wonderfully supportive friends and family you surround me with.  Please, Lord - help me focus on what you give and not what might be taken away.  May I rest in you tonight Father.  May the person reading this who is struggling with their own difficult circumstance, feel Your presence this very moment.  My they (we) know beyond a shadow of a doubt - that you are there.  You are loving.  You are faithful.  You never EVER give up on us - and you'll never leave us or forsake us.  May they (we) never take a single moment for granted, but learn to see You and all that you give.  I love you, Lord - help me to love you more.  Amen.


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