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Visions & pain

     "It hurts so bad, can I have some more pain medicine?!  Please!"  "Hello?  This really hurts I need something else for the pain.  Someone, help!"
     "Maam, you lost a lot of blood.  We've had to do multiple transfusions.  Your blood pressure is too low.  There is nothing we can do for the pain until you are more stable."
     "Please, please - pain medicine, please!"
     "I'm sorry, Maam - you are going to have to wait."
This conversation repeated itself over and over again for  hours and hours after the surgery. I'm not sure exactly how long it was, but it felt like FOREVER! When they finally got me stabilized (thank you, Jesus) they were able to send some relief my way. But, it was a little bit too late emotionally. I had definitely entered the, oh no, what have I gotten myself into, mindset.  I was scared. Tired. Still in pain (though thankfully not quite as much) and regretting my decision.  I don't remember exact details of the next couple of days. I do remember being curled up in a ball posting desperate facebook messages pleading for prayer.  And being glued to my cell phone as the encouragement came pouring in message after message. I have a love hate relationship with facebook, but let me tell you - this week, I LOVE it.  I don't know what I would have done without that encouragement. I was constantly praying "God help me" kind of prayers, but the tangible words and prayers of friends and family were like medication to my soul.
     Matt had to leave the hospital around 5:30 am, but not too long after my mom was by my side.  The next few days were spent trying to get my blood levels back to normal and relieve my pain.  Each time my pain would start to feel better, my blood pressure would go down and they'd have to make changes with the medication.  It was a continual cycle.  I got lots of encouragement from friends who were watching my kids - sweet photos of their happy smiles - emails about how well they were doing and how sweet they were.  I clung to these little things.
The surgery, which was estimated to take four hours, took eight hours.  They had a hard time getting the titanium rod (from my fall off the cliff) out of my femur and had to be incredibly aggressive.  But it all came together in the end and the surgeon is happy with the results so far.  I'm glad he is happy. I haven't quite gotten there yet.  I don't regret the decision anymore, I know it will be worth it.  But if I think beyond the moment it is easy to be paralyzed by fear. So, I'm trying really hard not to think beyond the moment.  "God is my God and I will ever praise Him.  STEP by STEP He'll lead me and I will follow him all of my days"
     This week I'm staying at my moms house with our five month old, Teal.  My mom is an incredible blessing and is taking very good care of us.  Friends and family are still helping with the three older kids.  Nurses and physical therapists pop in and out and encourage me to exercise and be on my feet (with a walker) as much as possible.  I try.  I keep my mom entertained too.  One night at three in the morning I woke her up in a panic. 
"Mom! Mom! Come quick!"
"What is it, honey?"
"Mom, please don't think I'm crazy, but my future self is trying to relay a message.  Come, look - she is sending messages through this rash on my leg"
She looked at me completely dumbfounded and said something to the effect of "are you serious?"  Then she made her way towards me wondering if I had completely lost it.
I was 100% serious (I'm guessing it was the Oxycodone).  I had an allergic reaction to the tape they used on my surgical wound and my entire leg was itching and oozing and killing me. I needed her help with the rash and we ended up calling the nurse.  After she helped me sooth the pain she asked me if I remembered what I said about my future self.  It came pouring back.  I truly thought she was going to find a message written in the wound.  She and I laughed uncontrollably for a good 15 minutes...which would have been great if laughing didn't hurt so much.
     The next couple of weeks/months will probably be filled with interesting moments - I'm hoping to record as many of them as I can.  I would definitely appreciate continued prayers as I am realizing more and more how long of a road this is going to be.  I have to admit I'm nervous about next week.  How am I going to continue to recover when I'm surrounded by my little ones?  Will I be able to be a good mother?  A good wife? What if my amazing friends and family get sick of helping?  I'm surrendering these questions to my Maker on a regular basis. I have absolutely no idea how people get through these type of things without a relationship with Jesus.  He is my rock. Hopefully I'll find the energy to start spending some quality time with Him.  At least for now I've got quantity time.  He is with me always.


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