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Reflections & big boys

It has been two weeks exactly since I went under the knife.  In some ways it feels like it has been so much longer and in other ways it feels like it was just yesterday.  I am definitely doing better than I have been in my  last few posts.  I'd say 75% of the time I'm doing pretty well and 25% of the time I'm fighting of bouts of discouragement.  On Saturday, I spent some time with Matt and the kids and I felt like I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but of course I overdid it and on Sunday I felt like I was back to square one.  The rash is starting to clear up because I removed every last bit of tape.  The wound, however has gotten worse - I'm thinking because it has been more exposed...and because the staples need to come out. My friends, family and readers have been super supportive and I've never felt so loved.  I've gotten lots of phone calls and emails which have meant the world (even though I've hardly called or emailed anyone back). People have driven for hours to babysit, delivered meals despite their own challenging situations and even contributed financially towards our deductible. My husband is doing an INCREDIBLE job playing Mr. Mom despite the fact that he is truly exhausted.  I am so blessed!
 In my last post, which I wrote in the middle of the night, I was a bit discouraged and felt like I had nothing inspirational to offer, but as soon as I opened my eyes the next morning I knew that had changed.  That night I had tossed and turned and couldn't get comfortable.  I had tried laying on  my back, laying on my side, sitting up.  I'd moved to this side and that side of the couch and just couldn't get comfortable. After what felt like hours of discomfort, I finally picked a different spot on the couch and settled in for the night.  Earlier that week I had noticed that when I looked at my mom's television from my bed I could see a beautiful reflection of the trees and waterfront.  It was almost as good as looking out the window.  I thought it was a blessing.  Well, the morning after that incredibly uncomfortable evening, I opened my eyes and noticed the view immediately.  It was not a reflection.  It was the real thing.  I was now looking directly out the window and it was absolutely gorgeous.  I was once again reminded that during those difficult times when things feel like they couldn't get worse, our Father is at work.  He is moving in our lives and bringing us to a better place.  He's bringing us to a place where we aren't just seeing a reflection of Him.  He's opening our eyes and revealing who He really is.  Those rough days, painful seasons, and seemingly meaningless moments are all coming together and bringing beauty and peace.
One such challenge for me right now is Blake's (my five year old's) heart.  I guess I thought my kiddos would miss me tremendously while I .was gone.  In my naivety I pictured them counting down the days until mommy came home.  Well the past few times I've visited , Blake has made comments like - why are you here? Or, is time for you to leave yet?  Between the babysitters and daddy time, Blake has been entertained, had extra screen time and eaten things I'd never even think of giving him.  Thinking of mommy coming home is kind of like the end of the party for him.  Now, of  course I am an adult and I realize that if I was a kid I would probably feel the same way - but, I can't help it, it still hurts.  Not only that, but the way that he is speaking to me and acting around me reminds me that he is no longer a toddler - but a boy.  His sinful nature (that we all have, of course) is showing up in more clear, tangible ways.  I don't feel ready.  I had kind of gotten the toddler thing down, what am I going to do with this real boy?  How do I point his heart toward His Savior?  Will he see Jesus in me?  Oh, how I hope that I reflect God's love and that he will be drawn towards it.  How do I respond to the attitudes of his heart rather than the more obvious direct disobedience issues (which, of course, we still have some of those too).  Many of you have said that you were thankful for my blog because it helped you know what to pray.  I'd love prayers for my re-integration into the family.  Please pray that I will go back home renewed, refreshed and with a clear vision for my family.  Pray that God would protect me from the lies of the evil one that whispers (and sometimes screams) things like, you can't do this.  Or, you are not cut out for the "big-boy" stage.  Pray that we quickly get back into a routine that brings order, peace & education (not just brain education, but heart education).  Pray that somehow I can reflect Jesus, even while I am still recovering.  I am so thankful for each of you, both those of you I know & those of you who have just stumbled across this blog.  Having an outlet has been incredibly important to me on this difficult journey.  I pray that even as you read this God is pouring out blessing upon you and reminding you that you are loved and the He is not finished with you yet.  Oh, how thankful I am that he is not finished with me!


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