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Tornados & blood pressure

It's 3:30 am - I'd usually be nursing Teal sometime between now and 4:30 am. But he is not here. I can't sleep because I can't seem to get comfortable. Between my poison oak like rash (actually an allergic reaction to the medical tape), the dull ache of my leg, and the many positions I'm not supposed to be in, sleep seems to be a lost cause.  I am trying to muster up the energy to plug in my enormous cow maker (breast pump) so I can stay on Teal's schedule.  But plastic doesn't compare to precious half asleep eyes, or soft mohawky hair...and especially not dimply (tiny as they might be) smiles.  This missing of my baby and children is so strange.  On the one hand I long for them, on the other hand I am scared of returning to them.  This is one of the tough moments of this journey.  There have been many positive moments as well.  I quickly transitioned from a walker, to crutches, to one crutch.  I  can pour myself a glass of water - and even take a shower. Don't know that I will anytime soon though because I made the horrible mistake of spending too much time in the hot water last night (trying to soothe the rash).  My blood sugar is still too low and my pulse is still to high and for some reason the shower sent my heart rate off the charts. It started beating so fast that for the first time I was literally a bit scared for my life.  It took me a good 45 minutes to calm down.  Then, even though my heart was beating slowly, it still seemed to be working extra hard. I'm glad to be past that.  Remembering it makes me thankful for this tough moment.  Every day I wake up feeling like I have so much time on my hands and excited about what I might be able to get accomplished (I've been hoping to re-work our web site while I have a lot of extra down time).  And every day I end up frustrated because the simple things like getting dressed, exercising, keeping Teal fed (here or not) etc...take ten times more energy and time than usual.  I end up with only an hour or so of productive time.  I know, I know, I shouldn't be trying to be productive right now.  But the web site is something I enjoy doing and rarely even have a second to work on when I'm with the kiddos.  Yesterday I did a little bit better of recognizing my stress as seeking my will instead of God's.  I tried to hand it over to Him as much as possible.  When I'd start getting frustrated that I couldn't do what I wanted to I would pray, Father show me what YOU want for me for this moment.  Forgive me for clinging to what I want.  Change my heart.  And, nine times out of ten he did.  But the process was (and is) continual.

I've had some pretty bad dreams lately - I am now completely off the pain killers (other than Tylenol) so perhaps they will ease up.  But one that keeps popping back into my head was so scary, and felt so real.  Our whole family was in a pick up truck (how we all fit, I have no idea).  We started to get out of the truck.   I had Avonlea with me and Matt was walking around the vehicle to get to the boys.  We started feeling a strong wind.  It got stronger and stronger and I had to cling to Avonlea with all of my strength.  People and vehicles around us started to be pulled into the storm. It was a Tornado.  Matt was being sucked away.  He was screaming and reaching out for the kids.  The boys were by themselves in the truck begging for me to come to them.  I couldn't fight the wind.  I couldn't get to them. The truck started spinning, the kids screamed louder - everything in me wanted to be with them.  I knew we were going to die - I just wanted to do it together.  I woke up completely soaked with sweat - and even more thankful for my precious family.

I feel like my blogs have been nothing more than rambling lately - they don't really have an obvious point or theme.  But I want you to know that your sweet comments and messages about how much you are enjoying them have been a soothing balm and an inspiration during this difficult time.  I started this post with tears streaming down my face - I couldn't seem to pull it together.  And now, after simply sharing my heart I feel at peace and ready to get back to work...bring on the plastic.

Thank you for being an integral part of my healing process.

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