Skip to main content

Tornados & blood pressure

It's 3:30 am - I'd usually be nursing Teal sometime between now and 4:30 am. But he is not here. I can't sleep because I can't seem to get comfortable. Between my poison oak like rash (actually an allergic reaction to the medical tape), the dull ache of my leg, and the many positions I'm not supposed to be in, sleep seems to be a lost cause.  I am trying to muster up the energy to plug in my enormous cow maker (breast pump) so I can stay on Teal's schedule.  But plastic doesn't compare to precious half asleep eyes, or soft mohawky hair...and especially not dimply (tiny as they might be) smiles.  This missing of my baby and children is so strange.  On the one hand I long for them, on the other hand I am scared of returning to them.  This is one of the tough moments of this journey.  There have been many positive moments as well.  I quickly transitioned from a walker, to crutches, to one crutch.  I  can pour myself a glass of water - and even take a shower. Don't know that I will anytime soon though because I made the horrible mistake of spending too much time in the hot water last night (trying to soothe the rash).  My blood sugar is still too low and my pulse is still to high and for some reason the shower sent my heart rate off the charts. It started beating so fast that for the first time I was literally a bit scared for my life.  It took me a good 45 minutes to calm down.  Then, even though my heart was beating slowly, it still seemed to be working extra hard. I'm glad to be past that.  Remembering it makes me thankful for this tough moment.  Every day I wake up feeling like I have so much time on my hands and excited about what I might be able to get accomplished (I've been hoping to re-work our web site while I have a lot of extra down time).  And every day I end up frustrated because the simple things like getting dressed, exercising, keeping Teal fed (here or not) etc...take ten times more energy and time than usual.  I end up with only an hour or so of productive time.  I know, I know, I shouldn't be trying to be productive right now.  But the web site is something I enjoy doing and rarely even have a second to work on when I'm with the kiddos.  Yesterday I did a little bit better of recognizing my stress as seeking my will instead of God's.  I tried to hand it over to Him as much as possible.  When I'd start getting frustrated that I couldn't do what I wanted to I would pray, Father show me what YOU want for me for this moment.  Forgive me for clinging to what I want.  Change my heart.  And, nine times out of ten he did.  But the process was (and is) continual.

I've had some pretty bad dreams lately - I am now completely off the pain killers (other than Tylenol) so perhaps they will ease up.  But one that keeps popping back into my head was so scary, and felt so real.  Our whole family was in a pick up truck (how we all fit, I have no idea).  We started to get out of the truck.   I had Avonlea with me and Matt was walking around the vehicle to get to the boys.  We started feeling a strong wind.  It got stronger and stronger and I had to cling to Avonlea with all of my strength.  People and vehicles around us started to be pulled into the storm. It was a Tornado.  Matt was being sucked away.  He was screaming and reaching out for the kids.  The boys were by themselves in the truck begging for me to come to them.  I couldn't fight the wind.  I couldn't get to them. The truck started spinning, the kids screamed louder - everything in me wanted to be with them.  I knew we were going to die - I just wanted to do it together.  I woke up completely soaked with sweat - and even more thankful for my precious family.

I feel like my blogs have been nothing more than rambling lately - they don't really have an obvious point or theme.  But I want you to know that your sweet comments and messages about how much you are enjoying them have been a soothing balm and an inspiration during this difficult time.  I started this post with tears streaming down my face - I couldn't seem to pull it together.  And now, after simply sharing my heart I feel at peace and ready to get back to work...bring on the plastic.

Thank you for being an integral part of my healing process.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Wienerfest

We didn't make it to church this Sunday. Its a family tradition. The Maine Wienerfest - we landed there accidentally 5 or 6 years ago and fell in love with the hundreds of dachshunds competing. The costume contest has always been our favorite, I mean who can resist a puppy princess - definitely not Avonlea (our six year old daughter).  But this year, the race got my vote, hands down. Those precious doxens racing to the finish line. Their owners, treats in hand, calling out  to their beloved pets, hoping they will run straight to them.  The ginormous grins, giggles and cheering - all brought on by the pups' confusion as to which way to go. No one was looking at the disoriented dogs with even a hint of frustration. Not a single person had a scowl.  Everyone delighted in their efforts. And when one of the adorable runners finally figured out which way to go and ran as fast as his little feet could carry him, we all jumped to our feet and cheered. "Way to go!" "That…

Star Wars, Frozen & Scissors

I make a grunting noise as I toss another lego into "toy jail". I step away and trip over one of the kids light sabers.  Glancing over at the breakfast crumbs (we could seriously feed a family of refugees, not that I struggle with the idea of how much we waste or anything), I feel my eyes well up and think "I could use some of 'the force' about now. Trying to determine if I should pull the kids from their happy game of Zingo or tackle the breakfast fiasco on my own, I decide on the latter. What was my dear friend's quote, I ponder. Oh yeah, "a little and often". She was referring to home maintenance (along with other things). Gently, she was reminding me to stay on top of things rather than let them build into tougher jobs. "This isn't a little and often", I sarcastically mumble "this is 'a lot and always'." Seriously, if I'd simply pray every time I pick something off the floor, I might actually get a gras…

I'm just not feeling it

I have noticed something interesting about myself when it comes to opening the doors of our home. I am the first to admit that fifteen minutes before our guests arrived the place was a mess. I was barking orders to my kids, scrubbing our toilet, stuffing things in drawers and searching for underwear (yup, probably dirty) that pop up in the most random places. I don't mind admitting that I don't have it all together, but I have a hard time letting anyone see it. I am the same way when it comes to my emotions. If I'm really struggling I tend to pull away. Just last night I found myself tempted to postpone a scheduled visit with a few close friends because I had no desire to admit to them that I felt like I was coming apart at the seams. Praise God, I dragged myself there and they gently began the process of gluing me back together by simply listening & loving me - despite me. And then there's "grace in the midst". I love passing along thoughts, ideas a…