Grace in the Midst

     January.  Wow, my last post was in January.  I knew it had been a while, but 5 months?  I think that is the longest I have gone without writing! It feels good to be back.  Where did I go?  Well, at first I was embarrassed.  I felt like I needed to announce that we are expecting our 5th little one - which I never officially did (but I guess I'm doing now?).  As much as I wish I was one of those confident people who doesn't care what people think.  I'm not.  I struggle with it - A LOT.   I was personally excited the first couple of weeks, but afraid to admit it.  Then, when the pregnancy hormones kicked in full force, the word excited was no where in my vocabulary.  Scared, yes.  Doubting myself, you bet. I found myself constantly analyzing the comments I get at the grocery store (your crazy, I'm glad its you and not me, you DO know what causes that, right?, How can you ...

Praying through the Lord's prayer daily is one of the most life changing habits I have ever made.  On the days that I skip it, which have been quite a few lately, I can't believe how different I feel.  Its as if I am lost. I've missed it so much. I shared the process with a couple of friends and they keep reminding me how much of a difference it is making in their daily walk - so, I'm re-joining them :) I do it in a number of ways - sometimes in letter form (like below), sometimes in list form (listing proof of His existence, attributes of his name, reasons I long for His kingdom...and so on), and sometimes simply praying through it in the shower (my prayer closet) ;) Would you consider joining us in this daily habit? Our Father - Dear Abba (daddy), Who art in heaven Sometimes it is hard for me to remember that you really are there.  Though your creation makes it obvious in so many ways - and the blessings you pour out upon my life are unbelievable - often ...

A s many Christians do, I often feel like I am trying to balance on a seesaw between legalism and cheap grace.  In other words, at times I am tempted to focus solely on the "rules" of Christianity and other times I am tempted to completely forget about "rules" and find myself with a "who cares, He loves me no matter what" kind of attitude.  Focusing on either end brings little glory to God.  Yet, there is a place for both within the gospel of Christ.   There is another "seesaw" I wrestle with daily - training my children to behave vs demonstrating God's grace with my words and actions.  At times I find myself discouraged because though I have read many books & articles on both sides of the spectrum (either totally focused on behavior or totally focused on grace), it is rare that I stumble upon one with a healthy balance - although, there are a few.  The "grace based" philosophys make me feel like I shouldn't work on my chi...

I am excited that I finally long for Heaven - even on my best of days (which are by far happier now than they ever have been)! For my whole Christian life I have always struggled with loving earth so much that the idea of praying "thy Kingdom come" or "Come, Lord Jesus" have never made since to me.  The only time the subject of Heaven brought any comfort was when a believing loved one passed away or when I was incredibly depressed.  I don't think I'm the only one who has felt that way, as a matter of fact I stumbled across this quote by Randy Alcorn (who was quoting a pastor) this morning... "Whenever I think about Heaven, it makes me depressed. I’d rather just cease to exist when I die. I can’t stand the thought of that endless tedium. To float around in the clouds with nothing to do but strum a harp … it’s all so terribly boring. Heaven doesn’t sound much better than Hell. I’d rather be annihilated than spend eternity in a place like that.” I...

In case I gave the impression in my last post that I regularly submit to the voice of the Spirit and not my flesh - my husband can attest to the fact that that is definitely not the case.  Actually, on the very day that I chose to listen to the Spirit and stop writing for a time - I also chose to listen to the flesh and say one of the most cruel things I have ever said to my husband.  It hurt.  It hurt him and it hurt me.  And in a way I think it proves the point of my last post profoundly.  If I had listened to the Spirit and not gotten angrily defensive, how much lighter the burden would have been - for both of us.  The incredibly challenging part of "being crucified in Christ" and "dying to ourselves" is the choice in itself.  The giving up of what we want in a particular moment.  The results, however, of listening to the Spirit instead of the flesh are so much easier and lighter.  So much better.  He knows what we need more than we ...

"Give praise to the LORD, proclaim his name; make known among the nations what he has done.  Sing praise to him; tell of his wonderful acts." Psalm 105:2 New born babies can't talk.  And even if they could, they are pretty much concerned with their own needs.  They literally can't see more than a foot in front of them.  They are treasured.  Loved.  Delighted in.  But, they don't even realize it.  Most of the time, their mommies care for them so much that they would give their own life to protect them.  But, as babies, they haven't grown up enough to tell the world how amazing their mommy is. I am tired of being a baby believer.  For years I believed.  But, I couldn't see past my own needs and wants.  And sadly, whenever I grew just the tinyist bit (or thought I did), it quickly became easy to see other peoples' rough edges.  Often I was much more aware of their rough edges than I was of my own.  Although I've spen...

     I've been praying for the ability to discern what thoughts, desires & inklings come from my flesh (meaning my body...like say, cravings), which ones come from my soul (mind, emotions etc...) and which one's come from my spirit (which, praise be to God, includes the Holy Spirit who lives within me).  I'm hoping to get better at following the leadings of my spirit and less likely to follow the leadings of my body and soul.  Tonight, I am not sure if the writing of this post stems from the spirit (which, I am surely hoping) or from the body (as I gave into my ever-tempting desire for multiple pieces of dark chocolate).  Either way, here I am - fully awake at midnight - with words pouring from my fingers.      I just climbed down the ladder of my three year old's loft bed.  He and I, we had a rough day - and I just wanted to be near him.  To reassure him of my love (though, I'm not sure if he even knew I was there), to pray ov...

For those of you who read my last post, " not my cup of tea ", I am curious what you thought my main point was? After re-reading it a few times, I realized that it may have come across that I was pointing the finger at people who point the finger when I often struggle with pointing the finger. You might have to read that line a few times :) I'd like to take a moment to clarify the heart of my message.  It is not so much that I want to come down on people (including myself) who sometimes struggle with "the log in the eye" syndrome, as it is that I want to encourage each of us to constantly hold the things that we feel the most strongly about before the Lord.  You just might find, as I did even yesterday, that God often changes our hearts & mind on the very things we find ourselves pointing at. Consider this verse for a moment -  James 1: 22-25  "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.   23  Anyone who listens to ...

I recently had a conversation with a friend in which the subject of large families came up.  When I mentioned a new arrival (baby) to an already large family, her response was - "that is not my cup of tea."  I already knew that and it was/is ok with me, but for some reason the "not my cup of tea" statement as a reaction to someone else's news bugged me. I was thinking/praying about it and I found myself visualizing an actual ladies tea party.  Imagine if instead of each lady enjoying their own cup of tea, they spent their time arguing (or perhaps just thinking negative thoughts to themselves) about what everyone else was drinking. "I can't believe you like decaffeinated, how unfortunate!" "What, you take yours black?  That's disgusting." "That caffeine is killing you, you know!" "Tea isn't even tea if it doesn't have at least 3 tablespoons of sugar." I don't know about you, but I wouldn't w...

1949. Being on the other side (well, almost anyway) of a trial 1950. Friends, family & even strangers - sacrificially loving and blessing our family in our time of need 1951. Not having to cook for almost a month 1952. My mom "just so happened" to live in Maine when I got my hip replaced 1953. Recognizing that every moment with my family is a gift - especially after coming closer to losing those moments (at least here on earth) than I expected to 1954. The ability to walk 1955. Extra love & attention poured upon Teal (both by those who babysat him recently & by his mama)- our fourth little guy got to be like our first little guy for a few weeks 1956. Time to work on our website 1957. Missing my family 1958. Quiet days 1959. Returning to the norm - Loud days :) 1960. People who donate their blood 1961. Doctors who save lives 1962. Picking up Avonlea 1963. Three weeks worth of help with our children...and it all coming together so smoothly 1964. Ugly/...

I've always been one of those "oops, I forgot to buy the orange juice" kind of moms.  I'm typically so busy chasing the kids around that I can't quite wrap my head (or hands) around all of the things that need to be done to keep the house running in an organized fashion.  So, we often run out of toilet paper - or use some random condiment on our steak (rather than the preferred A1). Matt has never quite understood what is/was so difficult about being organized and efficient.  And, to be completely honest it has been a source of contention.  Here's the thing though, I have always thought - "if he only knew how much energy it takes taking care of the kiddos all day, every day - he would understand that sometimes the other things take a back burner".  Well for the past three weeks (as I have been recovering from my hip replacement) Matt has been Mr. Mom.  I got home on Friday night and expected to find the house in complete disarray and in major need of...

It has been two weeks exactly since I went under the knife.  In some ways it feels like it has been so much longer and in other ways it feels like it was just yesterday.  I am definitely doing better than I have been in my  last few posts.  I'd say 75% of the time I'm doing pretty well and 25% of the time I'm fighting of bouts of discouragement.  On Saturday, I spent some time with Matt and the kids and I felt like I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but of course I overdid it and on Sunday I felt like I was back to square one.  The rash is starting to clear up because I removed every last bit of tape.  The wound, however has gotten worse - I'm thinking because it has been more exposed...and because the staples need to come out. My friends, family and readers have been super supportive and I've never felt so loved.  I've gotten lots of phone calls and emails which have meant the world (even though I've hardly called or emailed anyone b...

It's 3:30 am - I'd usually be nursing Teal sometime between now and 4:30 am. But he is not here. I can't sleep because I can't seem to get comfortable. Between my poison oak like rash (actually an allergic reaction to the medical tape), the dull ache of my leg, and the many positions I'm not supposed to be in, sleep seems to be a lost cause.  I am trying to muster up the energy to plug in my enormous cow maker (breast pump) so I can stay on Teal's schedule.  But plastic doesn't compare to precious half asleep eyes, or soft mohawky hair...and especially not dimply (tiny as they might be) smiles.  This missing of my baby and children is so strange.  On the one hand I long for them, on the other hand I am scared of returning to them.  This is one of the tough moments of this journey.  There have been many positive moments as well.  I quickly transitioned from a walker, to crutches, to one crutch.  I  can pour myself a glass of water - and even t...

     "It hurts so bad, can I have some more pain medicine?!  Please!"  "Hello?  This really hurts I need something else for the pain.  Someone, help!"      "Maam, you lost a lot of blood.  We've had to do multiple transfusions.  Your blood pressure is too low.  There is nothing we can do for the pain until you are more stable."      "Please, please - pain medicine, please!"      "I'm sorry, Maam - you are going to have to wait." This conversation repeated itself over and over again for  hours and hours after the surgery. I'm not sure exactly how long it was, but it felt like FOREVER! When they finally got me stabilized (thank you, Jesus) they were able to send some relief my way. But, it was a little bit too late emotionally. I had definitely entered the, oh no, what have I gotten myself into, mindset.  I was scared. Tired. Still in pain (though thankfull...

     It is 5:30 am, the perfect time for me to spend some quality time with Jesus - but, I don't want to.  So, I'm writing this blog post instead.  You know what?  As I typed that I heard a still small voice (hopefully the Holy Spirit and not the Oxycodone) say - "I am with you always."  So, I guess officially I am spending time with Jesus...and my blog.  I thought I'd take a few moments to record some thoughts about the journey I'm walking (well, actually NOT walking) through in regards to my recent hip replacement.       The few weeks before the hip replacement were quite intense.  I had no idea how much time and energy it would take to figure out what to do with four kiddos for two weeks. You would probably laugh if you could see the size of the spreadsheet labeled "Hip Surgery - Kiddos".  There were soooo many needs.  God is pretty incredible though!  Every day either someone wo...

I ended my last post with the following paragraph -  "I am really thankful that I am starting to recognize that choosing stress and worry is like kicking God of His throne.  I hope and pray that each time I find myself heading in that direction, I will say - not my will but yours be done.  Please, Lord - stay on the throne of my life.  I KNOW you'll do a much better job than I could ever do!" And yet tonight - I am having a hard time trusting Him.  I'm, well - scared.  A week from today I'm having my right hip replaced.  I'm not sure exactly what the source of my fear is...I think it mostly has to do with being away from my four children for more than a week.  They have never been away from me for more than 2 days.   Who's going to tickle Cole's neck, back & legs (in that order) as he makes his way up the stairs to his loft bed at nap time?  What will Avonlea think when I just disappear (I've tried to explain it to her, but s...